Monday, May 9, 2011

I don't feel like writing I lazy?

I don't know why but I have not written a word today. I not have the energy, the drive, and the passion for it today. Everytime I open the word document and stare at what I got up to yesterday I sigh, put my face into my hands, and turn to stare blankly out the window. Why? I don't know. Is this writer's block? Maybe. Is it laziness? Maybe. Is it creative exhaustion? Probably. Does this make me a bad writer? In the eyes of some, yes. I tried googling how I was feeling and stumbled across an article that said writers block was bullshit and an excuse made up by lazy writers who do not want to write and like to waste their time doing other stuff.

I hate that sort of attitude. Writers block DOES exist. It takes a hell of a lot of concentration, imagination, and focus to write something. It's not just a simple act of stringing together enough words to make a sentence. You have to write it in the right tense, make it fit into the scene, the previous paragraph, check the spelling and grammer, keep the description under control, etc...etc... It's fucking exhausting!

I think the problem with me today is that I have things on my mind. I have to walk into town after work and I have no idea how long that is going to take, buy my dinner, then catch a bus to university for a lecture and a tuturial, when all I really want to do after work is go home and watch the Ellen show and get an ice cream out of the fridge.

I love going to university, but sometimes, going to night classes is not only exhausting, but a real pain in the ass. I cannot wait until I can finally switch to part time work and start taking up more classes during the daytime. Ah, that is going to be sweet. God willing it will happen next year as planned.

I'm also fed up about my struggles with weight. I'm trying desperately to get under 100kg before my wedding in november. I've lost almost 10kg. I'm only about 5-6kg away from reaching my first goal. But for some stupid reason my Wii Fit has been telling me for the past couple of days that I have gained 300 grams, then 700 grams, despite walking 8k on the weekend, doing 1hr and 10mins of exercise on sunday, and walking home plus an additional 30mins of excercise yesterday. I don't know how the hell I gained that weight or if it really exists at all. Is it muscle? Is it water? Is it a stupid fault in the damn machine which has proven itself to not be that trust worthy in the past? SIGH. God only knows.

Jay got me a new set of scales which I'm going to try tomorrow on tiles. I'm hopeful it will say I'm much smaller then the stupid Wii said I was this morning, but at the same time I'm terrified I really did gain that 700 grams, even though I have no idea how or why, and I'm back around the mid 107s again. Usually, when I gain weight, I can pinpoint the reason why, like the other month when we had meatbealls and pasta for dinner, yeah that was a good food choice.

It is probably muscle, but according to the stupid Wii it is fat, which makes me angry and depressed. So I guess I have just pin pointed why I have not written a word today. Hopefully tomorrow I will lose some of my where-the-fuck-did-it-come-from-weight and my mind will be in a happier place for me to be able to write again.

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